Some Things I Regret Now That I Am Leaving New York
I am moving to Denver soon, so I figured this was as good a time as any to make some public apologies. I haven't always acted in what I'd say is the most chivalric of ways during my year here & I feel bad about it. And now I am left with some regrets. i spent so much time having these problems, time that could have been used to enjoy life & spread compassion among my friends. So in the interest of making everything public I just want to express my regret for the following ten things that happened duing the past year.
1. My Feud With Justin Marks
What was said was said & neither of us can take it back. But despite my threats & the things I did to his cat & the things I stole from his babies & the times I attempted to push him in front of careening rickshaws & despite the level of still-percolating, barely controlled, poisonous, vile, bitter, idolatrous, mercurial, burly, manly hatred between us, everything is all forgiven & we have turned over a new leaf.
2. My Feud With Sommer Browning
What was said was said & neither of us can take it back. When I covered her in melted paraffin & offered her a lit cigarette, well that was ironic. When I filled her bed with poisonous scorpions & hid in her closet to watch her be stung to death, I was totally kidding! When I stabbed her in the belly with a garden gnome I’d sharpened into the shiv, I thought we were just playing around. But despite the hospital bills & the dental bills & the fourteen pallets of ground coriander I had to ship back to Malaysia, our friendship has never been stronger.
3. My Feud With Jayna Maleri
What was said was said & neither of us can take it back. But in my defense, she looked like a real bear wearing that still-bloody bear carcass. And the claws were just as sharp when she mauled me. And when she ripped my throat out with her bear teeth it really, really hurt! And it sucked when I died & she ate me. And it sucked having to be reborn via Platonic reincarnation, which is very inefficient & causes one to lose ALL of your songs on my ipod, which was full of so many hot jamz for the summer. And I do love hot jamz. And I know I often confuse Jayna for the bear at the Bronx zoo, whose cage I seem to be unable to stop myself from breaking into on a nightly basis, & I know that the police & the man at the hospital said that I had to stay away from her & to stop jumping into the bear cage at night. But despite all of our differences, we’re cool now, right JJ?
4. My Feud With the Gagosian Gallery
Legally, I’m not supposed to discuss this in public, but I always thought that the law was that anything you stick down your pants or eat in one gulp is legally yours. How do I put this… I was wrong. However, fulfilling my obligations decreed in binding arbitration means that we’re friends again, I assume.
5. My Feud With Brenda Iijima
What was said was said & neither of us can take it back. And all of the things I called you in public, well let me say on the positive side that I thought I was VERY creative & deserve a gold star for that. Though I think the real victim here was me, for not having an iphone. I could have just googled it & realized that it does go on the right hand side of the plate. I didn’t have to maim any of those baristas & those movers wouldn’t have had to have all of those inoculations. Live & learn, live & learn. Love ya, Brenda.
6. My Feud With Whole Foods
What was said was said & neither of us can take it back. But really, how can you resist eating just one piece of tofu out of the salad container before purchase. It’s just one little piece! Have you heard the one of how people call you WHOLE PAYCHECK? That is just too rich. I couldn’t resist retelling that one. And how can one resist sneaking behind the seafood stand, donning a white coat & a hat that says FDA & screaming “All these fish are tainted with jackolantern feces!” And how can one resist bringing in a mulching machine & mulching all of your delicious produce. It looks so good! And how can one resist eating that incandescent emu egg raw from the shell & then having an instant hallucinatory belief that one is, in fact, an emu & ripping ones clothes off & rushing through the store, barreling over the old ladies in the soap aisle & tobogganing through the cheese fridge with a slab of free-range beef ribs as a sled? I mean I was able to sneak out & since the plastic surgery & the faked death no one has identified the culprit as me, so I figure we’re cool, right Whole Foods?
7. My Feud With Chester A. Arthur
I know that Wiki says you’re technically dead, but ever since I stopped taking my meds I see you everywhere, offering me AM newspaper at 42nd street, handing me a bagel at 42nd st, sitting in front of a building on 42nd st, walking across 42nd st. Every time I see you I run over to hug you but then something happens & I start trying to pull your side-whiskers off & then they come off & it is just so horrible to see a man’s side-whiskers ripped off of his face. BFF, right?
8. My Feud With Justin Taylor
What was said was said & neither of us can take it back. And I might act like I’m cool with everything but I am simply plotting my revenge, which will be cruel, slow & merciless & will involve ninja stars made out of ice & nunchunks made out of dried pepperoni & ninjas made out of Brussels sprouts & blood made out of orange juice & grief made out of metallic shiny balloons.
9. My Feud With Farrah Field
I can’t believe all that shit happened over an old Tom Petty tape! But when I hear “Free Fallin” come on I gotta crank it up & something comes over me. I just go into beserker mode & I grab whatever mop handles are handy & I just start swinging, even if someone is currently showing me their heirloom crystal collection handed down in the family from mother to mother for so many generations that it goes back to the motherland, whose existence has been crushed out of the history books & who language has been ground into the dust of defeat & whose only concrete historical remnant, only proof of the existence of these once-proud, betrayed people is this set of heirloom crystals, engraved with all the secrets of their culture. And I know it’s not polite to grind those shards into the backs of the knees of someone’s boyfriend, who is really a good guy & I normally totally get along with, but dude, seriously, that song is so good. Remember the video?
10. My Feud With Ben Goecker
What’s done is done & neither of us can take that back. But let me take this moment to apologize once again for how much my face must have hurt your hand when you pummeled it repeatedly & how embarrassing it must have been for you when I fell asleep during our fight, due, I’m sure, to how early I’d had to wake up & not to the brutal blows you landed on m head & body over & over again while all I could do was cry & drool & attempt to collect all my broken teeth & dismembered limbs & torn-apart nostrils & keep them all in one pile with the hopes that I would be able to reassemble myself like Johnny 5 could if he had ever been taken apart slowly & methodically by a ruthlessly skilled assassin. Sorry about all that!